Labrador Rescue

By Val Lyons



Dear John don't ignore this letter
It isn't from another debtor
I've decided to call it a day
trying to find some nice thing to say
I must say one of your charms
is not the smell from under your arms
nor the sweat between your toes
why are you always picking your nose ?

Hasn't anyone mentioned your breath?
Your moaning bores me half to death
when you eat you open your mouth
chips and peas go north and south

Why not wash your greasy locks
or think of buying some new socks
The shape of your figure is quite a joke
I must've been desperate to find a bloke

If I don't find any better
Dear John just ignore this letter



Dear Mary

Dear Mary I received your letter
I hope it made you feel much better
I'm answering now with my views
I was not really very amused

When I met you I was very drunk
Had I been sober Id have done a bunk
When I walked you in the park
I made sure it was very dark

Your best friend didn't give her views
On a deodorant that you could use ?
Or some toothpaste for your breath
I imagined early death

Another Man would have to be blind
when he sees your big behind
The steel rimmed glasses that you wear
and the black roots in your hair

At last I now can be quite frank
Your habits really are quite rank
If you can find another man better
Don't call round just send a letter